I Love This Weather

Anticipation of the forecasted severe weather has me somewhat excited. It’s no secret I love the rain. I love the smell, the color, the sound, the renewal after. All of it. I never wondered why. Sitting in the cafeteria waiting the time I officially report to work listening to the thunder I do a little online reading.

As I’m perusing several blog titles one catches my eye. It induces the question “why do I love this weather?”. My curiosity and appetite for researching everything is tempted and so I begin reading. The ideas I come to are many, some new, some not. My general mental state is not a secret. Depression has been a part of my life for nearly all of my adulthood. This I resolve plays a part in my affection for the darker side of weather. The one word that really created a feeling of comfort and realization was solitude. Yes, I see that totally being the reason for me.

Solitude is a time for one to relax, regroup, and rebuild. I am most comfortable alone at times and enjoy the quiet and lack of confusion. Sometimes I sleep. Sometimes I catch up on “business”. I read, watch tv, do housework, what ever I want. This is my time. I love my time.

I also enjoy playing in the rain with my kids. I have always felt that rain will be one of the things that will bring memories of me to my children and grandchildren in the future because it’s something I do love so much. I hope this makes it a pleasant time for them as it is for me. Being a lover of rain does not make me depressing or Gothic. I simply love the rain.

Every life weathers storms. Sometimes, you just have to dance in the rain.

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No Valentine on Valentine’s Day. So?

Well if you happen to know me, or anything about me, you know I’m not an emotional train that wrecks itself at every given turn. I pride myself in taking ample time to recover from the loss of my ten year marriage and focusing on being the absolute happiest single mom I can. I have never lived holiday to holiday grasping on to any little bit of affection or attention from someone considered to be a “significant” other. Why are they my significant other? I’m significant enough.

This year brings me to realize not being in a relationship of any kind has not and does not affect me either way.  I have friends that “mourn” their own loss of a relationship or feel sorry for themselves because they don’t have someone, or go overboard expressing how great it is to be single, simply to over compensate. I really am OK with my current position. I assume this is a healthy place. Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond happy for those in my life that are in happy and healthy relationships. I believe we all deserve that. I will not be envious of someone’s happiness. I celebrate it with them.

Now this brings me to the place of being the mother of daughters with and without a special someone. I am very blessed to have older daughters with very rare finds for boyfriends. They are mature, intelligent, responsible, loving men that treat my girls like the royalty I feel they are. Yes, they are spoiled and these guys continue to spoil them. They have been answers to my prayers. That’s all a parent wants is for their children to have better. They themselves are also pretty special humans and appreciate what they have been given. Now for my youngest….  lol she is only ten so there is no rush to fill her “significant” other space. None. She doesn’t have any care for it any more than I do, but I’m sure the time will come. What little girl doesn’t dream of a handsome prince flowering her with attention and gifts? There’s plenty of time.

While the time passes for now I will simply try to live accordingly as a single parent with no love interest and that it is OK. I want to show my children that being strong for and loving yourself is the only way you can truly have a healthy relationship. You matter enough to be happy first. This is how you keep another person happy with you. I teach them they are responsible for their feelings, not someone else. Only you allow someone else to hurt your feelings. Therefore, only you can know when you are over a hurt caused to you. Only you can decide you don’t hurt any more. Only you can move forward for real and not just for show or to go through the motions. Power is too important to give yours away.

Love yourself and each other! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Role Reversal

Well I like to consider myself someone who doesn’t get easily upset and has strong emotions. There is very little I let rock me. The one area I tend to fail is that of my father. I have had plenty of relationships and never had any problem being angry, but “hurt” not much. Daddy can hurt my feelings quicker than instant grits. I hate this. Distance makes it difficult to ever see him much, but we rarely talk either. Being the one that most often reaches out grows old.

There are plans that we make for holidays and birthdays, they don’t typically happen as planned. Frustration after so many broken plans sets in with siblings and it just becomes much harder to get together. I take on the job of setting things up and getting everyone notified and then canceled, and then rescheduled. I just gave up on this. I no longer want to be the one, only one, trying to have family time.

Having not seen my father for approximately seven or eight months maybe, I called to inquire about the Christmas gifts I still had sitting in my living room for him and his family. My oldest daughter had gifts and had asked if they had received them yet. We set plans for an early dinner close to me for today. I didn’t share with anyone because I didn’t want to have to call and let everyone know that once again we would have to cancel. Surprisingly they arrived on time and things were nice.

If you know my father well enough, you know that the only way he shows anyone that he likes them is to be fun and sarcastic. I am okay with this and can sometimes let his words slide off of my back. Not tonight. Almost as soon as he sat he made a comment that cut me deep. The entire conversation is just a blur. The only thing that mattered was that he stated, “although she hardly talks to me”. Instant tears and defensive mechanisms on. I always feel that I am the only reason we talk at all. I always call and include them in things my kids do; school shows, parties, awards, health issues, everything. There is always a reason that comes up to not be there. Sometimes not even a call. We do live over an hour apart, but it isn’t the reason and I know it.

I can tell it catches him off guard that I am hurt so much and that I am crying. I actually feel badly for this. I tell him not to even say that, it’s not true. However, that’s it. Nothing more. I do not wish to make a conversation or anything more of it. It would be for no reason. I prefer to just let it be. After gaining my composure we finish dinner without any other bumps.

My father has always been the only man in my life that mattered to me. He is a wonderful father. He is big in size and heart and great with patience and understanding. The perfect daddy combo. I hate to think I had any part of disappointing him in anything I did or didn’t do in my life. I can only hope that knowing the role reversal we fall into through life from child to parent that I am the closest I think I actually am to being a good parent. I also want to be the best daughter I can be. Getting lost in being the parent can mean being lost as the daughter.

I love you Daddy.

Who am I?

Who am I? Who am I? Well that’s an interesting question for me. I find myself wondering after almost thirty years of motherhood just that. My name is Tiffany Roberts. I am a forty-six year old mother of five beautiful children. This is what has landed me here among the vast world of bloggers. I am taking the opportunity to step outside of my box and venture on to a new world of exploration as a mother and the benefits and challenges that brings.

I work full-time as a cardiac EKG monitor at the local hospital. I am responsible for anywhere from sixty to over one hundred heart patients at any given time; a piece of cake compared to keeping five little lives going on my own. I work nights that my youngest ones are with their father so I don’t feel as though I miss any time with them. I enjoy crafting and do-it-yourself projects, football, upcycling, and any interest my kids may have.

Now how does one come to the decision to indulge into another project on an already pinched to every minute time schedule? There are a few reasons I wanted to try my hand at blogging. Since money is most often the driving force for so much, I would say it was a part. A very small part. I certainly don’t plan on becoming independently wealthy or even totally self-sufficient from it, but I would welcome any supplement to my income. I’ve learned that being on the constant look out for something to just make money with hasn’t worked. I have tried so many. I enjoy working on my own, and have the discipline to do so, as I have in the past. I also enjoy writing and have played with the idea of writing a children’s book or series. I just have no clue exactly how to do so and very little to no funds to do much. I thought a blog may be a good start to try out my story idea and welcome the ideas and feedback.

I am a member of the “Facebook” social circle of my friends, but often find myself feeling as if I am wasting so much time without being fruitful. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing the photos and hearing the stories of those I don’t have daily contact with, but I really should be doing something else. Shouldn’t I? I don’t mind all of the latest technology and the intrusion it brings sometimes, but I would like it to be for some real reason. I like to read, but time to go to the library? We go, but it seems I never read the books. I read online and mostly “how to” or “self help” type things. Again, a great place for and to find on a blog type things.

So here I go. My first attempt at writing a blog. I look forward to connecting with others on so many topics and welcome hearing from you all. I will look for answers and will ask questions. I will post pictures and write stories. I will share recipes and experiences. I promise to dedicate as much time as necessary to get it going and keep it going. I have a plan and will work hard to implement it. Thank you for joining me and I am excited to grow with you.

Tiffany